Wednesday, June 18, 2003
I prefer milk chocolate
Father's Day 2003, we celebrated my absent father in San Diego, on the beach in Del Mar.
2 months he's been gone.
I woke up that morning and thought of him, and whispered I love you Papa.
I've been craving male companionship even more since Papa died.
This is normal for grieving daughters, I hear.
Papa as Animus has absorbed to my mother and sisters, for each in a different way.
The steel I spoke of, the galvanization of my chismo, that masculinity that I have
inherited all infuses me with a feeling of ferocious femininity, an island sway in my hips.
My temperment is even though yet aggressive. The loss inspires a feeling of recklessness,
of fatalism, the poignancy fuels my passions.
The need to give love and get love is more urgent.
There is always something to learn within the depths of pain.
You learn how deep is your soul. You learn how deep is your love.
You learn how much you can really lose and still thank God for
each day and each breath and still move on.
It's been a whirlwind tour of San Francisco, San Diego and Los Angeles.
Driving up and down the coast, I follow signs and navigational instinct,
wondering where I am, trying to record the moments and the movement
with a sense of hyper-reality.
How rich I am in love and friendship.
But it doesn't scare me anymore to forge into unknown worlds.
My turn to orbit out, to follow the call of adventure.
My beloved California and the Pacific shores
I cannot miss you yet
I cannot live as if I am no longer here
Not when each moment of Now can be an eternity.
Everything could still fall apart
Everything could still change
The key is not to fear
Lean into the crack, as Bjork says
The key is not to hope but just to see
To expect nothing but be ready for anything and everything
To keep arms open, to keep heart open
A vessel for life
In the center of the field with arms akimbo
Ready to ride any oscillating wave
Well baby I do gots things to share
I got love and vox and words and more
I got family and friends and an army of shoes
I sing gospel and broadway and jpop and blues
I like the good times
and I like the rhymes
Tonight I went to the Justin Timberlake/Christina Aguilera concert.
Black Eyed Peas opened. Xtina was aight. She had some problems with sound so she was quie off sometimes. But neither she nor JT used elaborate costumes or sets or props or anything. Mostly just music, singing and dancing. That was pretty impressive to me.
JT is very talented. They were well trained in that Mickey Mouse club.
They're both pretty comfortable playing to crowds and they can sing and dance without having to lipsync.
Everything is so damn bittersweet.
2 months he's been gone.
I woke up that morning and thought of him, and whispered I love you Papa.
I've been craving male companionship even more since Papa died.
This is normal for grieving daughters, I hear.
Papa as Animus has absorbed to my mother and sisters, for each in a different way.
The steel I spoke of, the galvanization of my chismo, that masculinity that I have
inherited all infuses me with a feeling of ferocious femininity, an island sway in my hips.
My temperment is even though yet aggressive. The loss inspires a feeling of recklessness,
of fatalism, the poignancy fuels my passions.
The need to give love and get love is more urgent.
There is always something to learn within the depths of pain.
You learn how deep is your soul. You learn how deep is your love.
You learn how much you can really lose and still thank God for
each day and each breath and still move on.
It's been a whirlwind tour of San Francisco, San Diego and Los Angeles.
Driving up and down the coast, I follow signs and navigational instinct,
wondering where I am, trying to record the moments and the movement
with a sense of hyper-reality.
How rich I am in love and friendship.
But it doesn't scare me anymore to forge into unknown worlds.
My turn to orbit out, to follow the call of adventure.
My beloved California and the Pacific shores
I cannot miss you yet
I cannot live as if I am no longer here
Not when each moment of Now can be an eternity.
Everything could still fall apart
Everything could still change
The key is not to fear
Lean into the crack, as Bjork says
The key is not to hope but just to see
To expect nothing but be ready for anything and everything
To keep arms open, to keep heart open
A vessel for life
In the center of the field with arms akimbo
Ready to ride any oscillating wave
Well baby I do gots things to share
I got love and vox and words and more
I got family and friends and an army of shoes
I sing gospel and broadway and jpop and blues
I like the good times
and I like the rhymes
Tonight I went to the Justin Timberlake/Christina Aguilera concert.
Black Eyed Peas opened. Xtina was aight. She had some problems with sound so she was quie off sometimes. But neither she nor JT used elaborate costumes or sets or props or anything. Mostly just music, singing and dancing. That was pretty impressive to me.
JT is very talented. They were well trained in that Mickey Mouse club.
They're both pretty comfortable playing to crowds and they can sing and dance without having to lipsync.
Everything is so damn bittersweet.
