Don't Cancel Nini

While I was in Manila, it felt like I could stay there indefinitely, in that new world of experiences and people. I felt no tug nor tie to my life in California. As if I never existed in that life. Or it could have just been the numbness, the loss, the feeling of being set adrift and bereft, but still moving.

I've been back in Cali for one month now, trying to:

a) see and spend time with friends, loved ones and family
b) record and file away in my head the moments and places of beauty and friendship here
c) buy things they don't have in Manila
d) settle up business with my disability/workers comp stuff
e) have fun, relax
f) live fast and fierce and give and get love

I've been here too long already maybe
I feel like the longer I stay, the more I lose my nerve to leave
Or that perhaps something might happen here
that might again take me on a twisty turn
Relentless vicissitudes
I gotta just surrender to these waves
float atop them arms outspread
as if I were once again in the warm clear waters of Boracay island
where everything was just so warm, and so clear
and the only thing I could see was endless rich blue sky

I've been glutting on my freedom
to move about accountable to no one
to drift through an abundance of embraces
to think only of the moment before me
each in its own way an eternity of awareness
and not wanting to be anywhere other than where I was

I've been glutting on my freedom
to pursue my own laughter
to feed my needs
to be fed
to be beloved

I've been glutting on my freedom
to lavish kisses like I have an infinite supply
to hold nothing back
[ except that which fears love most ]
A destiny sketched out before me
People who believe in me although I hardly understand why
Because I am the lazy one, the lurker in the shadow
skating by with crafty wordsmanship
but lacking in true skill
But I have a chance to fulfill something
Some kind of potential
just needs action, positive energy, willpower, discipline, conviction
all pointed like a light saber to cut through the morass of distraction
motivated by fear
to get to that point I see when I close my eyes
and open the third one

Time has been deliciously langurous, stretching satisfyingly over
hot hazy days of cool breezes and warm afternoons and mornings
playing with people friends and dog friends
feeling the healing love of camaraderie and hugs
Aw yeah.

I feel as though I cannot take on anymore
the sorrows of others
I have empathy but must conserve my energies
for my own consolation

Or is it always just another justification for selfishness?
And what is selfishness, though?
Someone else's perspective making you feel bad about good things that are happening in your own life.

Sounds like it's time for me to reread Ayn Rand's The Virtue of Selfishness.
Time to reinforce the Force. Time to get Objectivist up in dis muv.

"Why do they always teach us that it's easy and evil to do what we want and that we need discipline to restrain ourselves? It's the hardest thing in the world--to do what we want. And it takes the greatest kind of courage. I mean, what we really want."

-Ayn Rand

And while I'm on this tip, it's time to dust of the Joseph Campbell, who entreats us to follow our bliss, follow that burning point which impassions and guides us.

"The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are."
- Joseph Campbell

And so I am privileged in also this vein, that my demanding and oft disgruntled personality should be coddled and tolerated, that I can say sorry and ask forgiveness for my transgressions, be forgiven and still be loved.

I am burning these days. It may be the island heat still inside me, the halycon days of California summer, or my ever heated blood. But the burning point is the sticking point and it's pointing ahead to an uncertain path that has to do with singing and the Philippines and hard work and artistic compromise and third world conditions and loneliness and drastic, traumatic lifestyle changes.

Nothing to stop me but fear and tugs on my heartsleeves.

I've spent my life following my heart and not always following my dreams. Maybe I forgo the heart thing as I am weary of the grinding jaws of love, and I follow and work for the dream.

What is the dream? Only to have the privilege of singing, and being myself, of having something to share with the people I love. Of walking unafraid onto an unknown path. Who needs certainty, or even hope?

We had a bbq at the Blue House with my old housemates cause we are all still fambly. I went to the beach with Meagan and Peter and drank beers. I went to lunch with Jaimelee and her dad and drank beers. I drank at the Blue Lamp with Byron and Pete, I drank wine and smoked ciggies with Bridget. I ate and laughed and drank with my girls Junko and Charmaine and saw Santos and Tony and Thurston and Alex, had dinner and drinks with Diego aka the Connoisseur and his girl. Acupuncture with Liz, Chiro with Dr. C, Myofascial satisfaction with Phil. Cassius Finer and his dad entertained me with Tivo in Bernal Heights. . .Isa and Graci slept over and we had breakfast at Pork Store (GRITS!!) Mickey G and I ate big bbq meats at Brothers in Law bbq, and he also chose my new spectacles. Saw my gorgeous leggy lawgirl Courtaney, and was loved and hugged by my favorite redheaded jewess, Red. Dru came out to the memorial, and Alan and Kuya Noel sought out Nirvana with Toni and me...and BJ brought me soaring to new heights, high above the fireworks of the Bay Area, cruising low in the Cessna above my City so Small.

It's like Romper Room up in here!

I love America. I am glad to be a blue passport person.