Don't Cancel Nini

I'm having a Yentl-esque "Papa can you hear me?" moment today. Although I don't think he really could help me relieve any of my current dissonance, I'm wishing for someone to give me the push I need.

Still in the center
Arms akimbo
Suspended in limbo
and I don't really know which path to take
It was all so clear when I first arrived
from Manila - I was going to pack up and go,
and nothing on earth was holding me back.

Sometimes though
while one is living in the moment
things happen in those moments
which affect future moments
ah, it is slipping
i am losing the power of now
my organizational systems are all askew
and i'm not sure about Time
I'm limiting my own Time
setting my own schedules

Something's thawing out in me
A rein on the fearless abandon
with which I thought to fly away
When I was protected and lubricated
by a numbness, a reaction of fire versus the grief

I am here for therapeutic reasons
To give love and to get love
To move past loss by creating new lives
Using my voice, my body and compassion
as instruments of loving

I wish for acupuncture directly on my heart
I wish for a blood flush to clean out the debris
the broken rotten pieces

Currently in a holding pattern here
waiting for clearance to take off
no longer sure about the journey

But this must be part of it, yes?
No decision should ever be so clear as:
"Papa died, left me cues to career in music
in home country, i have nothing better to do,
i'm not getting any younger, so I should
move to Manila and sing like he wanted me to,"
[and like I do really want to, deep down.]

And the fear accumulates, makes me want to sleep
Though I haven't been dreaming as often as I usually do
I sink into America like it is a big puffy bed
with fine cotton sheets
So comfortable it's hard to get up in the morning

Should I stay or should I go now?
This indecision's bugging me.

This is July. Papa's birthday is the 31st.
One more trigger, just as each holiday and birthday will be.

Meanwhile in both LA and SF, I must treat each moment with loved ones as if it were the last time I will see them for a long time. And then I keep on not leaving yet.

But there is time enough for everything, I hope.

Now I just need information to soothe me.
Information to feed the mentat in me,
so I can synthesize and quickly project
probable futures dependent on certain choices.

What directs me?

What is my aim?
Where am I happy?
Where shall I grow and thrive on experience?
What is a challenge?
What is worth commitment?
What will I gain?
Who will support me? [ Of utmost concern now that Romeo
and Caroline will not be returning to Manila anytime soon ]
Can I live in isolation from like minds?
Where will I be appreciated most?

Follow the burning point.
Yesterday I felt shitty. Nothing really cheered me.
I was confused and dejected
Until I started singing in the car.
And I remembered that singing is the only thing
that bleeds my soul of heartache

It's not that I have the bestest vox
Nor am I the prettiest girl to walk the earth.
But my voicebox shakes prettily and fully
with sincere emotion, more eloquent
than I could ever express through words.