Saturday, September 06, 2003
with trembling heart i remember
Today I am infinitesimal, so very very tiny.
Friday last week was my last full day with Barry.
It seemed to last forever. Now I know it has to.
Barry Jacobs had 7 organs harvested yesterday.
His heart and his kidneys have already saved two lives.
I do not wish to compete for sympathy,
or wallow overmuch in despair and grief.
I wish only to write the deepest parts of my heart
to describe and animate in images
this love of mine and his
our joy and love
that only perhaps he can defend
to those who never witnessed it
i write to remember
i write to burn the text images indelibly into my memory
for catharsis
for healing
because there is nothing else i can do now
i simply feel bereft
one week ago he demanded, at dusk
make love to me right now
hot pleading eyes
to which i could only submit
because his skin and his smell
and his arms embraced me
and his eyes and his heart were wide open to me
despite his past heartbreaks
of the women who left him behind,
who left him alone.
this is not a boast but his words
that i cared for his needs more than anyone
perhaps it's unfair - i've had the most free time
to devote to naturally developing a home
a routine
expressions and expectations
of love and security
veiled by the shadows in both our eyes
how long would this last
if we stayed delicate like this
floating on our own cloud
to see how far we could go
before the love haze evaporated
at the temple of honor
i wrote to my father and friends who've passed
barry came up behind me
whispered in my ear
that he'd written to me on the temple
"carmen, thank you for teaching me how to love."
no, barry. you were always teaching me
showing your care in everything, your integrity,
your boundless love for your family, friends, strangers,
anyone who would receive your ever-ready smile
your love healed so many wounds
made me feel something so deep
now i'm cut so deep
made me always want to be where you were
you said you wanted to give me
a home for my heart
you said stick with me
you said when i kissed you
you said when i loved you
don't ever stop
don't ever ever stop
your lips sweetly entreated
never demanding
instead seeking my softness
then consuming my mouth
with hunger making me catch my breath
it was always love with you
always wanting to know when i left
"when will i see you again?"
how silly i said, when he told me 10 minutes later
after i drove away
that he missed me already
i chided him - i'll be back tonight
and will you wake me, he said?
yes love, with kisses
and will you make love to me?
yes, but you must pretend to be asleep!
he wouldn't wake
but as soon as my knee impressed the bed
his body would automatically turn
and reach to draw me to him
and each night i could never help
showering his face and eyes
and neck and shoulders with kisses
slowly massaging the tension from him
waking him with pleasure
was my pleasure
to be the one who cared for someone
who spent so much time caring for others
made me feel precious and useful
so many people needed him
i felt neglected sometimes
but he told me he needed me.
i am an instrument made for loving and giving
and barry is so easy and open and ready for love
i loved him with my heart, my eyes, my mouth, my body, my voice
at his age and after his heartbreaks and love disappointments
he still believed, he would talk to me about true love staring at me in the face
how he still felt alive and hopeful to share his life with someone
to live with someone he loved
i am too young and ostensibly damaged
i have loved and lost much in 28 years
but he still believed
and wanted me to believe too
i'm not the widow. i don't have the tenure.
i'm not the immediate family.
i have erased all trace of me in his house.
for those who need to grieve as well
as i did for my father
as i still do
a bigger compassion i know now
to only be gracious in grief
to understand their displaced anger
and needs to blame or answers to why
his son who is his best friend,
his family, his lifelong friends
old girlfriends who loved him longer.
i know only to be thankful
to not regret any moment nor the risk of trusting him with my heart
i know only that if i cry a bit each day i will not drown in tears
i know that his heart is with me
and that his last months and days
he was loved by a giving and passionate woman
who spent hours one week ago today
staring at his mouth and eyes
while he cradled me in his arms
endlessly kissing me
neither of us on ecstasy
but ecstatic just the same.
Thank you for all the love energy.
Carmen
Friday last week was my last full day with Barry.
It seemed to last forever. Now I know it has to.
Barry Jacobs had 7 organs harvested yesterday.
His heart and his kidneys have already saved two lives.
I do not wish to compete for sympathy,
or wallow overmuch in despair and grief.
I wish only to write the deepest parts of my heart
to describe and animate in images
this love of mine and his
our joy and love
that only perhaps he can defend
to those who never witnessed it
i write to remember
i write to burn the text images indelibly into my memory
for catharsis
for healing
because there is nothing else i can do now
i simply feel bereft
one week ago he demanded, at dusk
make love to me right now
hot pleading eyes
to which i could only submit
because his skin and his smell
and his arms embraced me
and his eyes and his heart were wide open to me
despite his past heartbreaks
of the women who left him behind,
who left him alone.
this is not a boast but his words
that i cared for his needs more than anyone
perhaps it's unfair - i've had the most free time
to devote to naturally developing a home
a routine
expressions and expectations
of love and security
veiled by the shadows in both our eyes
how long would this last
if we stayed delicate like this
floating on our own cloud
to see how far we could go
before the love haze evaporated
at the temple of honor
i wrote to my father and friends who've passed
barry came up behind me
whispered in my ear
that he'd written to me on the temple
"carmen, thank you for teaching me how to love."
no, barry. you were always teaching me
showing your care in everything, your integrity,
your boundless love for your family, friends, strangers,
anyone who would receive your ever-ready smile
your love healed so many wounds
made me feel something so deep
now i'm cut so deep
made me always want to be where you were
you said you wanted to give me
a home for my heart
you said stick with me
you said when i kissed you
you said when i loved you
don't ever stop
don't ever ever stop
your lips sweetly entreated
never demanding
instead seeking my softness
then consuming my mouth
with hunger making me catch my breath
it was always love with you
always wanting to know when i left
"when will i see you again?"
how silly i said, when he told me 10 minutes later
after i drove away
that he missed me already
i chided him - i'll be back tonight
and will you wake me, he said?
yes love, with kisses
and will you make love to me?
yes, but you must pretend to be asleep!
he wouldn't wake
but as soon as my knee impressed the bed
his body would automatically turn
and reach to draw me to him
and each night i could never help
showering his face and eyes
and neck and shoulders with kisses
slowly massaging the tension from him
waking him with pleasure
was my pleasure
to be the one who cared for someone
who spent so much time caring for others
made me feel precious and useful
so many people needed him
i felt neglected sometimes
but he told me he needed me.
i am an instrument made for loving and giving
and barry is so easy and open and ready for love
i loved him with my heart, my eyes, my mouth, my body, my voice
at his age and after his heartbreaks and love disappointments
he still believed, he would talk to me about true love staring at me in the face
how he still felt alive and hopeful to share his life with someone
to live with someone he loved
i am too young and ostensibly damaged
i have loved and lost much in 28 years
but he still believed
and wanted me to believe too
i'm not the widow. i don't have the tenure.
i'm not the immediate family.
i have erased all trace of me in his house.
for those who need to grieve as well
as i did for my father
as i still do
a bigger compassion i know now
to only be gracious in grief
to understand their displaced anger
and needs to blame or answers to why
his son who is his best friend,
his family, his lifelong friends
old girlfriends who loved him longer.
i know only to be thankful
to not regret any moment nor the risk of trusting him with my heart
i know only that if i cry a bit each day i will not drown in tears
i know that his heart is with me
and that his last months and days
he was loved by a giving and passionate woman
who spent hours one week ago today
staring at his mouth and eyes
while he cradled me in his arms
endlessly kissing me
neither of us on ecstasy
but ecstatic just the same.
Thank you for all the love energy.
Carmen
another lost one
Sept 2, 2003
My boyfriend, Barry Jacobs, was the pilot in the plane crash at Burning Man on Saturday.
Marin IJ story
SF Gate story
He is currently in a deep coma with severe head trauma
and brain damage, and is currently on life support. He
will be leaving this earth soon, as there is nothing
medicine or surgery can do to help him recover or
survive, besides life support.
There were 3 other passengers in the plane, a father and son who have both since regained consciousness and are recuperating from multiple traumas and injuries, and a woman who is still unconscious, but who is expected to survive. Please include them all in your prayers and thoughts.
This happened at lunchtime, the day of the Burn (Saturday). I have been at Washoe Medical Center in Reno, NV, where Barry was helicoptered after they took 1 hour to cut him out of the plane wreckage. His larynx
was crushed upon impact, cutting off the oxygen to his brain for approx. one hour, thus causing the
irreparable brain damage.
He is survived by his only son, Nick, and his father Lou, and his brother, Jordan.
And he survives in my heart. We were at the apex of being in love with each other, and shared a deep love and passion.
Please include Barry and his family and friends, and my broken heart, in your prayers and thoughts.
Losing my father and Barry in the same year is a devastating loss. I seem to have an amazing capacity for pain.
I can absorb it and survive it only because I have an amazingly compassionate and loving network of friends and family.
Thank you, Carmen
-------------------------Another lost one.
I met Barry Jacobs last year at Burning Man.
We've been friends since then.
In recent months we began to see more of each other.
When I returned from Manila after Papa's death, Barry
was a friend who relentlessly opened his arms and heart and home to
me.
Despite my grieving haze and numb heart
his patience and gentleness and love
melted my jade
and inspired passion and tenderness in me
slowly his kisses became the healing balm for my heart
And even a girl like me - damaged, cynical,
self-protective, sophisticated about love
I fell hard.
He fell hard.
And this summer for us was a summer of love and
passion and happiness
Last week we returned to Nevada for Burning Man.
We flew in on his Beechcraft Bonanza airplane.
I get airsick but didn't yak till after the 2 hour
plane ride.
[ I'd been plane phobic for years, the first plane I'd
been on in awhile was actually with Barry, last year,
when he took me on one of his little tours of Burning
Man in his plane ] .
We had a few wonderful amazing days of each other's undivided attention and love, and on Saturday morning he gave the same little 15 minutes tours above the desert he gave me last year.
On the second flight, upon approach to landing, the plane crashed.
How many times can my heart break this year?
Carmen
