Don't Cancel Nini

All selves grieve now.
We all have the same face now.
I cannot hide my pain behind any persona
Not like before.

A friend says solipsism is a trap
And so it is
This is not the only reality in which I validate myself
This is not the only story being told

I wish for cinematic advice
To help me predict the storyline
So many inflection points this year
The shaping of my yet amorphous pain
Must define and refine me

The ashes of these loved ones
I will spread upon my soil
Their spirits of these loved ones
I will seep into my soul

My fires are doused for now
Nothing but wreckage and smoking embers
Shut down the power grids
I got no surge protection

And this is a surge, a veritable deluge
Of pain, of love, of sorrow
Influx of keen awareness
That this life cycles for us all

For death there are no words or numbers or statistics
Data provides no consolation
Only embraces and shared silence
And tender hands to hold me
While the tears take me under and over

Nothing to do but let the pain pass
Let the tears fall
Hold myself together tightly
Take each slow step towards a future without
those I have lost

Life seems accelerated these past 5 months
I do not know where to measure my growth
I do not feel older
but in these signs of the life cycle
I feel a part of infinity

Papa can you hear me
Barry can you hear me
Lolo can you hear me

I fear most that your faces will fade
To move on is to leave you behind
While I find my way without you now

Anais Nin said the Secret Joy
is the Mastery of Pain.
And so it is.
A secret joy, a strength
which tells me to choose and influence
how the pain shapes me
rather than to passively be flagellated
by the bittersweet sting of love and loss

I must be a Ninja Master of Pain by now
How could I not be
Here I am each day pierced by sorrow
triggers are everywhere
but love is the thread
I cannot let go of
It is the lifeline which connects us all
And in this way no one is ever alone
as our interconnected threads
weave the story of our lives
and all humankind