Sunday, August 08, 2004
For my Lola
For my grandmother
Sunday, August 8, 2004
I could not sleep at all last night.
Although I was at home I felt I wanted to be awake to keep my Lola company in the conscious wee hours of the night. What does time mean to her now anyway?
We have been waiting for my Tito Bernie, the last son to get here from Manila. They had problems with his visa, and sheer force of will alone has been keeping my grandmother fighting to transcend the pains of her physical existence while waiting this week for him.
I tossed and turned and wondered to myself what I would want to say if I had the luxury of gathering my loved ones and having them bless me and me blessing them and then just closing my eyes to Oblivion.
I have been visiting with her every other day – singing to her a personalized set list:
Que Sera, Sera
Moon River
If I Loved You
You’ll Never Know Just How much I Love You
All the Things you are
When I fall in Love
Stardust
Tenderly
Not a Day Goes By
Where or When
I’ll Be Seeing You
Dahil Sa Iyo
The Nearness of You (papa’s favorite, too)
I tune the gentleness and the timbre of my voice to the most gentle, lilting, tender and loving frequencies. Because she cannot see with her eyes, or speak. Her ears must be her keenest sense now.
This is what we do, my family. We sing out the pain and sadness. Compassion through melodies and harmonies. Songs of the Heart.
I spent some time with Lola alone the other night. I said,
Lola, you know I am your first grandchild, of your first son.
We are the recipients of the legacy of eldest children.
I forgave my Papa for the roughness of my childhood.
He asked for my forgiveness, and said he had forgiven you for his painful childhood as well. In case you don’t remember him telling you that, he told me. And we forgave each other. And bearing the hurt and forgiving each other has made us tenderhearted, compassion, and strong.
I’m a strong woman, Lola, and that comes from you. I have a strong will like you.
That is all the inheritance I need.
She waved her hand, reaching for something. Wanting to say something.
I tried to get her to write, but it was too tiring and frustrating for her.
You know I love you, Lola. (she blinks)
I know you love me too, Lola. (she blinks again)
And your body will be at rest, you will be our angel.
After a few hours I leafed through a magazine, keeping a constant flow of songs to her ear. These were the moments of her life I was really present. I wanted to stay, if only to be by her side in the time she had left.
I thought to put some red lipstick on her. I know I have inherited her power of transformation just with red lipstick on.
What else to say? Was I even on her mind? It mattered that I was there, on some level.
I was there, a little for me, but mostly for my Papa, who would want me to sing and soothe her and hold her hand and take her mind away from the pain. My tenderhearted Papa, so easily na awa.
I can feel Papa’s spirit in me when I hold her hand, call her sweetheart, sing her old songs. I could feel him hurting to see her this way.
Though my voice trembled sometimes as I spoke or sang, I didn’t cry. What’s there to be sad for? Except for the courageous clinging to life. The display of love, of force of will that she should wait for us all to be around her. But when she passes, whether later on today or in a few days, she will be surrounded with love and blessings and permission to close her eyes once and for all.
Such an event in our lives is a blessing in many ways – for each it will be different. But for me I know these things:
- I was there by her side in her last days, helping her to recall and exercise her memories.
- I was able to use my new skills of imagery and medical hypnosis to help give her comfort in some way. Which shows the blessing of God. Which showed my mother and family the use of my new profession.
- I was able to be strong, put my personal life aside, funnel all my energy towards positive thoughts, centeredness, and shape my own fears and pain into strength and courage.
- I released the feeling of guilt that my life was still in motion even as hers was slowing down. I acknowledged that my strivings could be fueled by her Spirit now, that I could take from this experience her legacy of strength, will and determination. Just like with Papa, Barry and Lolo. If the energy was to be transferred and transformed, I wanted to be open and aware and grateful to receive it.
--------------Hours later
Just got back from the hospital, feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. Remembering how it felt with Barry last year, how I needed to break down after spending days with him in ICU. How his friends and ex-girlfriends pushed me aside, resented my existence because they didn’t know me.
How I had no one because my Someone was lying in a coma, brain-dead. To bear that pain in loneliness, feeling ostracized, clutching my body in the ache.
When I sing to Lola I try hard to be fully present with her. But it has not even been a year since I did this last. There is the anxious guilt of needing some resolution, some sign to Hope or Grieve. The Waiting Room, like a purgatory in itself. Lola’s consciousness, her lucidity, her Will to Live – her mind is still so strong and present, how to let go of life when the spark of recognition still exists?
I am sure in my heart that Papa would say it is time. Though it would break his heart, he would not allow his sweetheart to suffer so much, when she is so tired and physically weak.
Lola had to let go of Lolo. She will choose, she knows, she’s always known her own strength. She’s survived many hospitalizations. We shouldn’t doubt her decision. She has more Clarity and Wisdom than all of us at this moment.
If she could speak now, what would she say? A lifetime of unspoken feelings she struggled to express.
At the end of our lives, we realize we did the best we could with whatever circumstances God gave us. Lola is a testament to perseverance and selflessness, devotion and charity. These are our blessings from Lola’s life. We inherit these blessings and honor her through our actions.
Lola thank you
Lola I love you
Lola you’re in my heart
Lola be at peace and comfort and rest
Lola Emily
Hello Sweetheart
Sweetheart, Hello.
Sunday, August 8, 2004
I could not sleep at all last night.
Although I was at home I felt I wanted to be awake to keep my Lola company in the conscious wee hours of the night. What does time mean to her now anyway?
We have been waiting for my Tito Bernie, the last son to get here from Manila. They had problems with his visa, and sheer force of will alone has been keeping my grandmother fighting to transcend the pains of her physical existence while waiting this week for him.
I tossed and turned and wondered to myself what I would want to say if I had the luxury of gathering my loved ones and having them bless me and me blessing them and then just closing my eyes to Oblivion.
I have been visiting with her every other day – singing to her a personalized set list:
Que Sera, Sera
Moon River
If I Loved You
You’ll Never Know Just How much I Love You
All the Things you are
When I fall in Love
Stardust
Tenderly
Not a Day Goes By
Where or When
I’ll Be Seeing You
Dahil Sa Iyo
The Nearness of You (papa’s favorite, too)
I tune the gentleness and the timbre of my voice to the most gentle, lilting, tender and loving frequencies. Because she cannot see with her eyes, or speak. Her ears must be her keenest sense now.
This is what we do, my family. We sing out the pain and sadness. Compassion through melodies and harmonies. Songs of the Heart.
I spent some time with Lola alone the other night. I said,
Lola, you know I am your first grandchild, of your first son.
We are the recipients of the legacy of eldest children.
I forgave my Papa for the roughness of my childhood.
He asked for my forgiveness, and said he had forgiven you for his painful childhood as well. In case you don’t remember him telling you that, he told me. And we forgave each other. And bearing the hurt and forgiving each other has made us tenderhearted, compassion, and strong.
I’m a strong woman, Lola, and that comes from you. I have a strong will like you.
That is all the inheritance I need.
She waved her hand, reaching for something. Wanting to say something.
I tried to get her to write, but it was too tiring and frustrating for her.
You know I love you, Lola. (she blinks)
I know you love me too, Lola. (she blinks again)
And your body will be at rest, you will be our angel.
After a few hours I leafed through a magazine, keeping a constant flow of songs to her ear. These were the moments of her life I was really present. I wanted to stay, if only to be by her side in the time she had left.
I thought to put some red lipstick on her. I know I have inherited her power of transformation just with red lipstick on.
What else to say? Was I even on her mind? It mattered that I was there, on some level.
I was there, a little for me, but mostly for my Papa, who would want me to sing and soothe her and hold her hand and take her mind away from the pain. My tenderhearted Papa, so easily na awa.
I can feel Papa’s spirit in me when I hold her hand, call her sweetheart, sing her old songs. I could feel him hurting to see her this way.
Though my voice trembled sometimes as I spoke or sang, I didn’t cry. What’s there to be sad for? Except for the courageous clinging to life. The display of love, of force of will that she should wait for us all to be around her. But when she passes, whether later on today or in a few days, she will be surrounded with love and blessings and permission to close her eyes once and for all.
Such an event in our lives is a blessing in many ways – for each it will be different. But for me I know these things:
- I was there by her side in her last days, helping her to recall and exercise her memories.
- I was able to use my new skills of imagery and medical hypnosis to help give her comfort in some way. Which shows the blessing of God. Which showed my mother and family the use of my new profession.
- I was able to be strong, put my personal life aside, funnel all my energy towards positive thoughts, centeredness, and shape my own fears and pain into strength and courage.
- I released the feeling of guilt that my life was still in motion even as hers was slowing down. I acknowledged that my strivings could be fueled by her Spirit now, that I could take from this experience her legacy of strength, will and determination. Just like with Papa, Barry and Lolo. If the energy was to be transferred and transformed, I wanted to be open and aware and grateful to receive it.
--------------Hours later
Just got back from the hospital, feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. Remembering how it felt with Barry last year, how I needed to break down after spending days with him in ICU. How his friends and ex-girlfriends pushed me aside, resented my existence because they didn’t know me.
How I had no one because my Someone was lying in a coma, brain-dead. To bear that pain in loneliness, feeling ostracized, clutching my body in the ache.
When I sing to Lola I try hard to be fully present with her. But it has not even been a year since I did this last. There is the anxious guilt of needing some resolution, some sign to Hope or Grieve. The Waiting Room, like a purgatory in itself. Lola’s consciousness, her lucidity, her Will to Live – her mind is still so strong and present, how to let go of life when the spark of recognition still exists?
I am sure in my heart that Papa would say it is time. Though it would break his heart, he would not allow his sweetheart to suffer so much, when she is so tired and physically weak.
Lola had to let go of Lolo. She will choose, she knows, she’s always known her own strength. She’s survived many hospitalizations. We shouldn’t doubt her decision. She has more Clarity and Wisdom than all of us at this moment.
If she could speak now, what would she say? A lifetime of unspoken feelings she struggled to express.
At the end of our lives, we realize we did the best we could with whatever circumstances God gave us. Lola is a testament to perseverance and selflessness, devotion and charity. These are our blessings from Lola’s life. We inherit these blessings and honor her through our actions.
Lola thank you
Lola I love you
Lola you’re in my heart
Lola be at peace and comfort and rest
Lola Emily
Hello Sweetheart
Sweetheart, Hello.
